Perfection

If I do something, I want to do it well and be the best at it. 

To most people, I don’t think I come off as a very competitive person, but really I am.  I want to be the best and do the best.  To the point that it becomes too much.  I was flipping through a friend’s photo of a recent dance performance and I was thinking to myself, I should start dancing again.  But then I realized, if I did, I would want to excel and do everything perfectly.  I would want an environment that pushed me beyond what I’m capable of and what normal people would enjoy.  That push and then success is what makes it so satisfying for me. 

It seems backwards, but that was essentially the reason I stopped dancing and didn’t start again.  I wanted the best and wanted to be the best that I could.  The time tradeoff wasn’t worth it to me in the end.  I could either keep dancing (but less compared to the 30+ odd hours I spent at the studio), but at a less competitive level, without that push to be better or I  could just stop.  I tried the former, but that didn’t make me happy.  Yes, I liked the movement, I liked letting go – but half the fun was the struggle, was trying to top who I was yesterday, and then succeeding.  Without it, there was no point.  It would be as if I were Sisyphus, contemned to push a rock to the top of the hill over and over again, only to never make it.  Not to that extreme, but you get the point.  [Funny I just alluded to Sisyphus because that came out of my IB English class, essentially what I gave up dancing for – education]

This drive to be the best and to do everything well has definitely moved across my life, seeping into every essence of my being.  Maybe that is why I like cooking and baking so much, because without that perfection, a cake may not turn out the way you want it, or you’ll get sick because something wasn’t cooked the right way.  It requires planning, thinking ahead – attention to details.

Despite all that, I still like creativity and having room for changes and adapting to what is happening.  I don’t see things in black and white, more as shades of grey.  Maybe that’s why I enjoy parts of math and accounting, but cannot see myself dedicating my life to something so clear cut.  Yes, I like perfection, but I also like the ability for self expression and creativity.

Yesterday, I had my one to one performance feedback session with the LCP and we were talking about the AIESEC values and which ones I demonstrate the most.  Acting sustainably and striving for excellence were both things that came out over and over again.  In everything I do, I make sure its the best for me and for the local.  But I just feel like that is a part of who I am and what I value.  Why commit to something if you aren’t going to give it your all?  Why commit to something if its not going to make a difference?  You’ll just be like Sisyphus, pushing a rock to nowhere.

My attentions to details, making sure everything is thought of ahead of time – its just who I am.  Parts of that can be attributed to my intense dance training I received from a young age, where if you’re an inch out of line, or your head is place incorrectly warrants a sharp yell for correction.